


i miss you so much (tears are falling like this but why didn’t I know?)

by 1010hoshiiii



Category: JBJ (Band), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 11:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12793716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1010hoshiiii/pseuds/1010hoshiiii
Summary: 5 years on, Sungwoon is still coping. Or trying his best to cope with the loss of his best friend, the one he loved the most in the entire world.





	i miss you so much (tears are falling like this but why didn’t I know?)

**Author's Note:**

> btw rhe parts in italic are in the past and the normal parts are in the present :) sorry if the timeline is kind of confusing i wrote it in a day after listening to beautiful on repeat and having some hatae feels i created this ^^ support wanna one, jbj and hotshot!!!

“Hi Taehyun... Long time no see, you doing well?” Sungwoon chuckled to himself. Holding onto whatever strand of sanity left in him. Tears threatening to fall. He hated being weak, especially in front of the one he loved. “I wrote a song for you. Listen to it well, hyung! I spent nights writing it heh,” Sungwoon pulled out a single sheet of paper. Words messily scribbled, some words barely legible from the tears that spilled while writing it.

 

_“Hyung! Wait for me, geez. I get it, you have new friends but you can’t just toss me aside,” Sungwoon chased after the shorter male standing by the gate. Sungwoon pouted. Sungwoon had so much to tell Taehyun. About his class, his teachers, his new friends. The nights Sungwoon spent studying just to enter the same school as his hyung. Taehyun’s lips curled upwards seeing Sungwoon. “Aish, how could you think I’d leave you just like that.” Taehyung grabbed Sungwoon, quickly enveloping the younger in his arms. Taehyun ruffled the younger’s hair. A smile quickly formed on Sungwoon’s face. Sungwoon was weak for Taehyun. But he’d never let Taehyun know._

 

It was Sungwoon’s first year and Taehyun’s second year in high school. Sungwoon could never forget that year. Even five years after, Sungwoon could never erase Taehyun’s grin from his memory. Even if Sungwoon forgets how Taehyun felt, how Taehyun smelled, how Taehyun laughed. He swore to never forget how Taehyun smiled.

Sungwoon looked at the pictures of him and Taehyun. Sungwoon’s chest tightened. He couldn’t describe the feeling. Was it sadness? Maybe regret? He never got to give Taehyun his love. Sungwoon was always on the receiving end. As the years passed, Sungwoon felt lonelier. Being alone scared Sungwoon. He lost his parents when he was younger, his grandparents were already old. To be left alone was Sungwoon’s biggest fear.

_“I’ll never leave you, Sungwoon ah.”_ Liar. Sungwoon bit on his tongue to stop the tears. He didn’t want to admit it but he missed Taehyun. He missed Taehyun so much. His heart ached. On some days, Sungwoon couldn’t bear to even leave his room because his heart hurt so, so much. Sungwoon tried to smile but it was hard. A cloud heavy with rain is bound to storm. Like a sudden downpour, the tears kept flowing. Sungwoon didn’t know why. After all this time, why is it that he was only crying now. The five years by himself was torturous. Everything around Sungwoon reminded him so much of Taehyun but he couldn’t get rid of anything. Taehyun was too beautiful. Sometimes, Sungwoon forgot he was human because he was so beautiful. Like he could never fall sick or be in pain. “Taehyun hyung... Please listen to this song well... Maybe, if possible, please come back.” Sungwoon took deep breaths. Trying to steady himself in between sobs.

_It felt weird. It was in the middle of summer yet everything felt cold. Sungwoon put his suit on and stood in front of the mirror. He missed him dearly. He felt so alone without him. His world lost colour. He didn’t want anything. He just needed him by his side. But it was too much to ask for. He missed him so much. Only weeks since he left and his world collapsed. He didn’t want to accept it as reality. He wanted it all to be a dream. When he wakes up, he’ll be in his arms._

_“Sungwoon ah, we’re leaving now.” Sungwoon snapped back to reality. Kenta’s voice was monotonous. Everyone was in shock. Everyone couldn’t apprehend what had happened. Taehyun’s friends stood by the door. Donghan buried his face into Hyunbin’s chest. Sanggyun, Yongguk and Taedong stood silently. Kenta held Sungwoon’s hand, reassuring the younger that Taehyun was well.. The seven of them walked silently. Throughout the car ride, no words were exchanged. A few sniffles here and there. Everyone trying their best to hold it in. Everyone knew Sungwoon was hurting the most but couldn’t do a thing. Kenta held Sungwoon tightly. Sungwoon looked out the window, in a daze. The years of memories Sungwoon shared with Taehyun flooded Sungwoon. Sungwoon shut his eyes. He tried to push Taehyun away in his memories but even that meant he was thinking of the elder. The loneliness he felt was the effect of losing Taehyun._

_The others went to pay respects first, leaving Sungwoon to go last. “It’s only right for Sungwoonie to go last. He knew Taehyun the longest.” Kenta whispered to the other six._

_“You’re really mean. I hate you. You promised to never leave me. I’ll never see you ever again. You selfish meanie.” Sungwoon pounded his hand against the glass cover. A picture of Taehyun smiling brightly mocking the younger. Sungwoon stared into the small shelf containing flowers and medals for Taehyun. A cloud shaped post-it note with Sungwoon’s name stuck to the back of the shelf. Sungwoon knew the handwriting all too well. Sungwoon opened up the glass cover from the shelf and removed the post it note carefully._

Hello my flower boy. My cloud. My happiness. My sunshine. You must hate me, right? I’m sorry Sungwoonie, Hyung had to leave first. To be honest, as I’m writing this I don’t know when I’ll go. Whether it’d be days, months or even years since this letter is written. My feelings will never change. I just want to let you know that I love you. I love you so much. I know you deny my feelings but I know you love me too. Haha. Only when you accept that I have gone, I will allow you to come back. If not, you are banned from visiting me. I have already told the rest about it. Until then, please focus on yourself. I love you.  
Your favourite hyung, Noh Taehyun

_Sungwoon folded the note and shoved it into his pocket “Lets go.” Sungwoon walked away from the room. He didn’t want to see Taehyun ever again. The rest walked quietly behind him._   
_Many times, Sungwoon wanted to see Taehyun again but he knew Taehyun’s friends could easily pick him up and carry him back home. Every week Sungwoon would buy a bouquet of cosmos flowers. Trying to convince himself he was okay and ready to see Taehyun. Every week he would fail and dump the cosmos in a vase by his window. Over time, There were too many vases full of cosmos flowers that it began to take up space on his study table. Even his room started to be overpowered by the smell of cosmos. Sungwoon’s tears stopped as the months passed. However, once in a while he would break down. The cosmos were overbearing. It reminded him of Taehyun but he couldn’t get rid of them. Small and bright. Just like Taehyun._

_Sungwoon wrote and cancelled, wrote and cancelled. His paper became a mess of ink. Even when he couldn’t feel his own hand he kept writing. Sometimes Sungwoon would find himself waking up at his desk. Pen still in his hand. Ink stains on his face. Sungwoon didn’t want to forget anything about Taehyun. Whatever memory Sungwoon had of Taehyun, he scribbled it down. He couldn’t let Taehyun to fade from his memory. Taehyun’s fifth anniversary drew closer. Sungwoon was ready to face Taehyun. Alone. The days and years of crying alone in his room was drawing to a close. He could finally face Taehyun again. The bright and dazzling Taehyun. The Taehyun who watched over him like an angel._

_“I love you.” Taehyun stared into Sungwoon’s eyes. “What are you talking about hyung?” Sungwoon grinned. “I love you. More than just friends.” Taehyun’s words were firm. “Aish, stop lying. Liars go to hell, hyung.” Sungwoon diverted his eyes away from Taehyun’s gaze. Even if he loves Taehyun and Taehyun loves him, they’d be shunned by everyone in the neighbourhood. “Damn, you didn’t have to go to that extent, haha. I was practising for when I confess to the one I truly love.” Taehyun’s face softened immediately but Sungwoon could tell that Taehyun was disappointed. “Of course you were, you’re so old but you have never dated! Even when you’re old and wrinkly you’ll never leave me right?” “I’d never leave you Sungwoon ah. You’re like a baby to me, how could I leave a baby alone!” Taehyun’s bright smile put Sungwoon at ease. Happily, Sungwoon linked arms with Taehyun and continued walking._

_Sungwoon laid on his bed that night wondering about Taehyun’s true feelings. “Maybe I shouldn’t have changed the topic. His heart must be crushed... Aishhh I feel bad now, if I made him cry...” Sungwoon went to sleep hoping that Taehyun wasn’t hurt by his words._

_Sungwoon woke up. That memory, in the form of a dream haunted Sungwoon. Now that Taehyun was gone, that memory hurt him even more than it used to. Sungwoon opened up his chat with Taehyun. The last conversation they ever had. Mere minutes before Taehyun was pronounced dead._

[xx:xx]  
Dance king : hey sungwoon  
Dance king : i miss you so much  
Cloud baby : what do you mean hyung? we walked home together today 

_No reply. Minutes later Sungwoon receives a call from Taehyun’s parents to meet them in the hospital. When the paramedics arrived they found Taehyun holding onto his phone, his screen displaying his chat with Sungwoon. One last message typed out but never sent, “I love you”. Taehyun’s last words : a confession of love. Sungwoon broke down holding onto Taehyun’s phone. The doctors tried to save him but the impact was too great. A hit and run. The driver was never found. Sungwoon never left his room after that. He couldn’t bring himself to attend his funeral. He didn’t eat for weeks. He didn’t talk. He cried for days on end._

 

_Today was different. Five years since then, Sungwoon was a changed person. His heart may still ache from time to time but he kept to Taehyun’s words. He was ready to face Taehyun like how he used to while the elder was alive. Sungwoon put on a pink sweater, the same one that Taehyun owned. Brushing his fingers through his hair. As long as he looked presentable in front of Taehyun, nothing mattered. With light footsteps, Sungwoon left his house._

“This foolishly regret-filled song, I hope it reaches the sky. My prayer that looked at you all night, I hope it reaches your heart.”

 


End file.
